The Space Between

“Who are you talking to Jane?”

Lately, I have found that I am talking to myself. It has surprised me because I hadn’t done it for a very long time!  The last time I talked to myself, I’m sure I was borderline nuts – it was during my divorce years 30 years back when my world was totally upside down. 

As I child, I was often reminded amid family stories, of my great, or was it double great grandmother Sara who was found up in a tree in Central Park talking to herself. That story triggered lots of shushing and “die kinder(s)” so it stuck deep in my memory! Besides my father communicating a total lack of compassion for the emotionally challenged, these stories led to a fear of self-talk and going gaga.

Now, with time on my hands, totally de-stressed, I am doing it again! What is the DEAL? So, I immediately jumped on the internet to do some research and see what the big experts say. One comment I particularly liked, connected it to genius behavior citing Albert Einstein as an example. Another said that it was completely normal and helped improve memory (if that is what you are chatting about). A Savvy Psychologist, coined the expression, ‘self-talk’ and said it is completely normal as you replay experience or try to coach yourself. She went on to say (my favorite) “treat yourself with respect and you just may find you enjoy your own company.” Great advice!

So, that brings me to my concern. Exactly how much company do I need to stay happy and well-balanced. For what seemed like a gazillion years, I had so many lovely work acquaintances that I could barely remember everyone’s’ names. I also still have a big family, lots of grandkids and a few close friends who I see regularly. And, I am enjoying my independence and freedom far more than I ever expected. I rather like having a morning to make a cup of coffee, write, work on projects and so forth. 

But, I do miss the work hub bub and the familiarity of the daily faces. Lots of my retired friends have taken up bridge, canasta and mahjong, but I have held back. My competitive life in the workplace had been so real and connected to my livelihood, that I cannot transfer that same excitement to a card/tile game. It seems silly. Part of me would rather just sit around and talk. But, that doesn’t not seem to fly for everyone else.

So, this week Grandma Lily, I am going to try to learn to play mahjong (I am still stung that someone else got your tiles) and yesterday, I learned canasta basics. Bridge can wait…! All this makes me feel about 20 years older, but it will get me closer to some super nice people and out of the house and just maybe, I’ll stop talking to myself so much!